New Life

At the end of December my partner and I confirmed that we were expecting a baby; we were both overjoyed! Now, 11 weeks into the pregnancy, I'm finally emerging from the awful symptoms of the first trimester. I don't feel like I'm in survival mode all the time now, which is wonderful. I've been able to enjoy reading and thinking during the past week or so, so hopefully my creativity is returning and I'll be able to write more. The reading and the thinking has certainly taken a new direction due to the fact that I'm pregnant.

I'm assuming that my parents as well as my partner's parents are hoping that this new addition will magically transform our hearts and we'll come running back to the fold. The thought of getting involved at a local progressive Christian church has briefly crossed my mind, actually. Not because I want to be involved in Christianity, but because of the community and support such a church would bring. We're far away from all family and friends of the past, and our lack of community is scary to me as I imagine life with a new baby. There's a great UU church we've attended a few times... but we haven't been able to attend very frequentlye. We keep missing services due to sickness, morning sickness, weather, my partner's work schedule, etc. I sincerely hope that things will improve as we draw closer to Spring. Speaking of Spring, it's fun to think about how the baby will be growing inside me right along with the growth of Spring, and then be delivered towards the end of the growing season in August.

So yeah... a new baby definitely has me thinking about my community, my home, my family, our spirituality, what the future looks like... so many things. I know this pregnancy will be life changing. One way it is already changing me is by reshaping my spirituality and refueling my desire to learn more and grow. I think I know where I'm headed - to a point - but my IFB background is holding me back. It's so hard to let go, let loose, and simply feel and do things... because of fear. The IFB instilled within me many fears, one of the chiefest being to fear what other people think. My interactions with other Baptist kids (school, camp, and college) taught me to fear how I look and whether or not what I'm doing will seem stupid or silly. Now I still battle with fearing what others think, how they'll see me. I also battle with a fear of not being in control, which is heavily tied in with my fears about how other see me. Early on I did my best to hide all tears, possibly even all emotion, in public because it opened me up to ridicule and pain. I never liked being asked to do things out of my comfort zone because I feared failure, feared how I would look. I missed out on a lot of opportunities thanks to all this; it's only been since I left Christianity that I began finding the freedom to loosen up and have fun. I look forward to being further changed by the experiences of this pregnancy, giving birth, and holding my baby.

Article: Shaking the faith of my students with honest truth

Read it here.
Kudos to this teacher for being up on his history and mythology. :-)

Spiritual Experiences

When I discuss religion and faith with other people, I find myself most interested in why they chose their particular path. For some their decision was greatly impacted by their family and heritage. For others, it was a spiritual experience that led them to choose a particular religion and/or deity. Spiritual experiences fascinate me.

While I was a Christian I had very few spiritual experiences, perhaps because the IFB world I was raised in downplayed personal experiences and the Holy Spirit. I suppose that's why we were fundamentalists, though, because we stuck to what we perceived to be the fundamental teachings of the Bible - people of the Book and all that jazz. I had a friend in school who was a member of a Pentecostal church, where the Holy Spirit and personal experience was emphasized more heavily. I never attended any of their services, but the stories I heard were certainly interesting! I imagine the ecstatic fervor that is a hallmark of Pentecostal services would have been scary because it was so far from what I thought was normal. I've been to several church services (of varying denominations) over the years that made me very uncomfortable because the church members felt comfortable enough to show honest emotions while worshiping. I'm secretly jealous of how genuine they allow themselves to be while in public.

After I left Christianity I began to study other religions more in-depth than I had previously.

Article: Is Debating Atheists Biblical?

Read the post here. Hadn't ever thought of this conundrum before, even when I was a Christian. What about you?

Article: Equality of Women in Early Christianity

An interesting perspective on women and the early church. Read the article here. A few years ago I learned how the current canon of the Bible came into being (see below), and was quite shocked. With this knowledge in mind, it would not surprise me to discover that pro-equality letters/books were cast aside and burnt by early church fathers.

http://freethought.mbdojo.com/canon.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Development_of_the_Christian_biblical_canon

http://foundationsforourfaith.com/Foundationsforourfaith/HolyBible.htm From a Christian perspective. Love how this caveat is added:

Before we discuss how the books in the Bible were chosen, we must first take a step back and realize that the decision was a divine decision.   Though it was men who made the decision on which books to include, ultimately it was God, working through the Holy Spirit in those men’s hearts, who selected these books.   For the Bible is the one and only foundational book to which all true Christians look for guidance in their lives.   God, who created the heavens and earth, as well as all of us, would not allow any corrupted document(s) to make their way into His Word, that is, the Holy Bible.

A Disturbing Picture of Love

A friend posted a link to this family's blog post. I do not know the family, but I'm a sucker for pregnancy stories so I decided to check it out. It was very sweet and exciting to read until I got to this part:

Dear Itty,
The pregnancy test confirmed that I am pregnant…but probably with only one baby. We’ll never know if it is #6 or #7 who lives on within me, so we have decided to call you Itty. And today, although we are so delighted to be housing and mothering Bitty, we want to say goodbye to you.
Itty, I never had the chance to tell you in person, but there is a holy God who made you—at a level much higher than the scientists who joined sperm and egg in the lab. This God loves you very much, and He put His stamp of affection on you by creating you in His own image! His ultimate desire for every person is to be with Him, enjoying Him and worshiping around His throne (which is like a huge and fancy high chair). But we are all born into a disobedient family, even you, Itty, who will never properly be born at all. So God sent His Son Jesus to live a perfect life and be killed as a punishment for the sins of those who believe in Him by faith—making it possible for us, though we are not holy ourselves, to be together with our holy Creator God. That delightful, sunshiny presence that you now bask in—whether as an embryo or as a full-grown person I do not know—is this loving God, who has brought you near to Him by forgiveness through Jesus.
We love you because He first loved us. We wish that we could have had the chance to meet you and see you grow… Goodbye for now, Itty. We love you and miss you already.
love,
Mom and Dad

Sunday Morning Musings

Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest for Christians, but for most of my 20 some years as a Christian, Sunday was far from restful. The day started out with my family scrambling to all get showered, dressed, and out the door in time for Sunday School (at 9:45). Three out of four of us were not morning people. My mom tried to have a special breakfast for us on Sunday mornings plus she needed to prepare the lunch we would eat after church, so she had added burdens that required more time and less sleep. Getting out the door was incredibly stressful and hardly helped at least me to be in the right frame of mind for spiritual things. The Sunday events at my home church consisted of 9:45am Sunday School, an 11am service, 4pm teen meeting (for the few years we had that), 5pm choir practice, and a 6 pm evening service. The 11 service often ran until 12:20pm or later, but we didn't get home until close to 1pm because we socialized with friends. By the time lunch was made and eaten, there really wasn't much time left in the afternoon. We made the best of it, though, by taking walks, playing games, or watching something together. As we kids got older we discovered the joys of Sunday afternoon naps. Some families didn't allow any activities on Sunday (based on Old Testament principles); I was very thankful my family wasn't that hardcore. When I reached college I did begin to question spending time on non-spiritual things on the Lord's day, but quickly abandoned my questions.

My Sundays in college were rarely restful. I chose to attend churches that were at least an hour away all four of my semesters. The first two of those semesters were spent at a church where I did what I could to help the pastor by teaching a Sunday School class, knocking on doors (even in the snow), and working on whatever odd projects came up. The next two semesters I attended a different church, largely so I could be with some new friends that I had made. We spent our afternoons crashed at the pastor's house, at a nearby mall, or otherwise having adventures together. It was during this time that I began to question how conducive to a day of rest the model of church I was used to actually was. My friends brought this up and I found myself in agreement; if one of us was sick or just feeling wiped out we chose to come back early or, rarely, skip church altogether. The college would have never approved of what we did, but to an over-tired (and very ill, as I was experiencing a mystery illness that would turn out to be fibromyalgia) college student, it hardly seemed important. My body, mind, and spirit needed rest; God had commanded that we observe a day of rest, so I rested.

Article: 15 Things Not to Say to a Recovering Fundamentalist

Defeating the Dragons has written another post that I must share; read it here.

I have been told most, if not all, of the things she lists; I find them equally as infuriating as she does. Perhaps the most infuriating phrase on her list is, "You were never really a Christian." To have someone else decide  your personal beliefs weren't sincere enough or real is very insulting. Most Baptists I know have no trouble saying that to/about anyone who left the faith. Another phrase that stood out was, "If you are truly seeking God in this time, he will lead you to the Truth." The assumption that Christianity, particularly the fundamentalist version of Christianity, is absolute Truth (to the exclusion of everything outside of it) fuels so many un-Christian thoughts and actions. I'm so thankful I no longer hold to a belief that is so exclusive.

13. “Be careful you don’t lose your faith.” — Hännah

People are genuinely concerned about us, and just want to make sure that we’re ok. However, the concept that we could be “ok” without religion, without Christianity– it’s a little bit too far outside the box for a lot of Christians. To a lot of the people I know, living without their faith would be pretty unthinkable. Thoughts like “I don’t know how people survive without Jesus” (which is a modern remix of “you can do all things through Christ”) are pretty common among Christians– and they mean it. To be honest, I’ve said that sort of thing on more than one occasion. But, let me assure you: we are just fine. For a lot of us, “losing our faith” was the best– and hardest– thing that ever happened to us.

It's certainly been one of the best things I've ever done.

A Letter That Made Me Sad & Angry (3-26-13)

This letter is flying about on facebook amongst my IFB friends. I read it and was appalled. The woman who wrote it has chosen to believe that a fundamental aspect of her biological make-up – her sexuality – is a grievous sin.

IFB’s and those who are similar to them are notorious for making sex and sexuality out to be a great evil (unless you’re a man). I myself was affected by that teaching. But the woman who wrote this letter has to deal with more than “just” sex. She is a lesbian. A homosexual. As most IFB’s I know would say, she is a “pervert.” Such ideology makes me sick. This woman is expected to ignore her sexuality and never find pleasure in sex (because to have sex with another woman would be an abomination!). She will probably be expected to find a way to “fix” herself and rewire her brain to find men arousing, not women. She will be expected to either never find a companion to spend her life with, or to choose a man and marry him. For a lesbian (not a bisexual), being with a man, even if she loves him, can be unsatisfying, scary, and possibly feel more like rape than making love. And for that husband, how will he feel? What awkward, possibly awful place will he be put into? Both partners in a relationship deserve to find happiness and satisfaction in their sex life – it is a basic human need and one of the reasons we form such relationships.

Mississippi High School Forces Fundie Messages on Students

Insanity. Read the story here.
Can I say total disregard for the law? Kidnapping teenagers was one of the stupidest things they could have done. Teenagers have cameras, phones, ipods, and who knows what else. Did they honestly think it wouldn't get out? I suppose that the most likely scenario is that they thought the risk (jail and fines) was worth getting the name of Jesus out to the teenagers. That's sad.

Looking Back & Moving Forward

If you read the earliest posts on this blog, you'll quickly realize there was a time when I practically hated all things religious and many things spiritual. I was angry and bitter after spending the first 20 or so years of my life in fundamental Christianity. The day the blindfold came off, I began realizing the many things I had learned, seen, been part of, and had done to me that were wrong. The lies, the imposed guilt, the many options I should have had but didn’t because of my upbringing. The many evils done in the name of my former religion that had been swept under the rug by fellow Christians. So very many things crossed my mind and fueled my anger.

As I look back, I realize my anger was one of the five steps of loss and grief. The five stages are denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (I pulled my list and quote from this site). They don’t necessarily occur in a specific order and you can move through them several times. I’m going to list the stages in the order that I experienced them.

Before I officially renounced my faith, I went through the first stage of denial and isolation.

I Used to Believe This Stuff... Ugh

These are things I was raised to believe as an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB). My parents may or may not have taught me these things, but they were most certainly taught or inferred by church, school, college, and fellow IFB.

• Better use the right version of the Bible, KJV to be specific. Avoid all music that makes you want to move, so just go for old hymns and you’ll be safe.

• Spank your children, don’t trust them, because they are born with a horrible sin nature and are really little monsters bound for Hell.

Equality Doesn't Play Favorites

Whether any faction, religious or not, should be allowed access to America's public schools is an issue of great debate. Bringing religion into play usually turns said debate into a very ugly creature, particularly if that debate involves the religious right. I recall once hearing the "horrible" news from my IFB pastor that a school somewhere was going to teach the children about Islamic practices - the whole church was mortified that such terrible things could be happening in America. Funny thing, though, that those same people were also offended when people wanted to limit Christian influences in school. Christian conservatives who push for prayer in public schools seem to forget that there are other forms of prayer that don't involve Jesus or the Christian God - it's not an "attack" on Christianity. 

A Link and Some Thoughts

For those who repeatedly claim that we weren't true Christians, please read this article.

I was certainly a very active member of Christianity - one who prayed, read my Bible, served at church, and sought to be godly above all else. Nobody questioned my faith or sincerity. No-one. It was very, very real. The points made in that article, particularly on this topic, were excellent. The author also points out that many who preach against people who are different (atheists, homosexuals, etc.) don't really know those people. They know the concept, and they know why it's "sinful," but they have little to no personal experience with those people. For a complacent congregation who also has little to no dealings with the "enemy," the leader's words sound just and righteous, and so the cycle of ignorance continues.
All throughout history, those who blindly followed what they're told were the ones who were led astray into atrocities. Those who asked questions and sought the truth saved themselves and others from the mistakes of ignorance and complacency. Had the Germans questioned Hitler's propaganda and chosen to think freely instead of believing the lies, a lot of people (namely Jews) wouldn't have died such horrific deaths. Had many Catholics chosen to ask questions instead of blindly follow those in authority over them (the Pope), then countless thousands of people would not have died during events such as the Inquisition. The Crusades, the Salem witch trials... just how many people have been killed or hurt by the ignorant followers of impassioned zealots? Such crazy men as Hitler would not have gotten so far without the support and blind belief of other people.
Don't believe everything that you're told, even if it has been culturally accepted for thousands of years. Never stop asking questions. Finding the truth may not be comfortable, and implementing it into your life is certainly uncomfortable, but it is well worth it.

Bubbles

My fibro. was kind enough to flare, so I've had lots of down time lately. I've spent most of it reading and researching a variety of topics. Every time I feel some sense of pleasure in acquiring new knowledge, I also sense just how little I really know. There was a time when I was content to ignore anything that didn't fit into my narrow worldview. I was taught that a great many things were evil, and those evil things were to be avoided. Always. You know, evil things like rock music, tight clothes, dancing, movie theaters, lots of makeup, kissing boys, etc. I attended the school run by my church, so I got a heaping dose of the church's teachings six days of the week. Then I worked at a Christian camp for two consecutive summers. I was around plenty of people far more "liberal" than what I was accustomed to, and wasn't sure if I should pray for them or embrace the less rigid mindset (this is all hilarious now). I was raised to believe that any non-King-James Bible contained some sort of heretical changes and was bad. Suddenly, I knew people who read other versions of the Bible, and they didn't seem like heretics. Then I went off to Bible college, where I was surrounded by a variety of opinions and personalities. I still had to have all of my pants approved, to make sure they weren't too tight, lest I cause one of my brothers to stumble and start lusting. Rock music was still preached against, and I couldn't be alone with a guy unless I had special standing, permission, privileges, etc. Many things I once held as hard and fast beliefs began to change. Teachers asked questions, I did research for papers, and I saw that there was a much bigger world than I'd ever been allowed to see before.

Learning Along the Way

This blog chronicles a journey of spiritual discovery and personal awakening. I spend most of my words writing about Christianity and the Bible's fallacies, so perhaps to the outsider this blog seems negative in spirit. I see this blog as a very positive thing, though, because it is proof that we came, we learned, and we changed. Too many people are afraid of learning something new, because then they might need to change - horror of horrors! 

Since I made the decision to abandon my previous faith, I have seen and learned many new things that have opened up a broader world to me. As I read about people across the world, and the many faiths and worldviews that exist, I find that many things I was once told by Christian leaders are/were far from the truth. People outside of Christianity are in fact full of happiness and, gasp, joy (I still find it silly that Christians claim that only they can experience this "unique" emotion of joy).

Some thoughts...

This is not written as a formal paper or argument, so do not judge it as such.

Christianity and its many forms call for proselytizing, as does Islam (and many others I'm sure). Throughout history, both religions have held a viewpoint of "Convert or die!" Sadly, that viewpoint is still in existence today. The holy books of both religions give examples of such ideology and/or call for the death of unbelievers. Thankfully it is only the more extreme, hardcore believers that would still put that ideology into practice today, but such an awful concept is displayed and put into the minds of all who read/hear. My knowledge of Islam is limited, so I shall now speak about what I know - Christianity.

The Old Testament is full of stories in which people, such as the Canaanites, are slaughtered (usually without being given the chance to convert) simply because they aren't Jews, they don't believe in the right god, and they own the land the Jews want. As a child, I found the OT both fascinating and disgusting. The bizarre stories it contained were largely skipped over by my teachers and pastors (probably because of the confusing and even horrendous nature of said stories) at both church and school (I attended a Christian school), but I still read through my Bible and found them. When I attended a Christian college, and we worked through the whole Bible in two survey classes, the bizarre stories came to light again, and were passed over by the teacher either entirely or after he'd only said a few words. We discussed the children of Israel and their long battle to claim Canaan, but no-one ever said a word about how awful it was that they were being ordered to massacre people. During the time of the OT, if you weren't a Jew, tough luck - you're either going to be serving the Jews, distant enemies, or massacred for your land (unless you were lucky enough to be a virgin, and God said they could take you alive, which didn't always happen).  Once you hit the New Testament, this ideology largely disappears, because now Jesus is telling the Jews to love their neighbors, enemies, and everyone else. The Jews of the OT were an exclusive bunch and did very little proselytizing. In the NT, Jesus seeks for converts, but focuses on the Jews. It isn't until after Christ's death that the conversion of gentiles is sought after. From that point on, history is full of Christian attempts to proselytize the rest of the world, be it with love or force. Heretics are burned at the stake (even by such illustrious leaders as John Calvin), those suspected of witchcraft are tortured and killed, and on the list of things done in the names of Christianity and God goes.

A Brief Book Review (with quotes)

The following paragraphs are quoted from Christopher Hitchens' book god is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything (capitalization as printed by the author). I discovered this book at my local library, and found it to be a very interesting read. The author is a staunch atheist, so I disagree with him there, but his overall look at religion was both intelligently written and fascinating to read. I would highly recommend reading it (if you are an open-minded person and not one to have your feelings easily hurt, as he is not "nice" at times), particularly the chapters on the Old and New Testaments. I typed out these particular sections (all italics are the author's), but would have liked to type out the whole chapters he wrote on the Old and New Testaments - they were that good.

"Ask yourself the question: how moral is the following? I am told of a human sacrifice that took place two thousand years ago, without my wishing it and in circumstances so ghastly that, had I been present and in possession of any influence, I would have been duty-bound to try and stop it. In consequence of this murder, my own manifold sins are forgive me, and I may hope to enjoy everlasting life.
Let us just for now overlook all the contradictions between the tellers of the original story and assume that it is basically true. What are the further implications? They are not as reassuring as they look at first sight. For a start, and in order to gain the benefit of this wondrous offer, I have to accept that I am responsible for the flogging and mocking and crucifixion, in which I had no say and no part, and agree that every time I decline this responsibility, or that I sin in word or deed, I am intensifying the agony of it. Furthermore, I am required to believe that the agony was necessary in order to compensate for an earlier crime in which I also had no part, the sin of Adam. It is useless to object that Adam seems to have been created with insatiable discontent and curiosity and then forbidden to slake it: all this was settled long before even Jesus himself was born. Thus my own guilt in the matter is deemed "original" and inescapable. However, I am still granted free will with which to reject the offer of vicarious redemption. Should I exercise this choice, however, I face an eternity of torture much more awful than anything endured at Calvary, or anything threatened to those who first heard the Ten Commandments."
~ pg. 209-10

The Truth Beneath The Rose

This is a beautiful song by the Dutch group Within Temptation. It can be interpreted many different ways, as can all songs/art, but I don't think it's too much of a stretch to see organized religion, particularly Christianity (in the broadest sense) in the lyrics of this song. Regardless of how you interpret it, enjoy listening to it, because it is a masterfully written song! Click the link below to hear it via YouTube.

The Truth Beneath The Rose

Give me strength to face the truth, the doubt within my soul
No longer I can justify the bloodshed in his name
Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?
Pray with me so I will find the gate to Heaven's door
I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me

Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins

Pray for me cause I have lost my faith in holy wars
Is paradise denied to me cause I can't take no more
Has darkness taken over me, consumed my mortal soul
All my virtues sacrificed, can Heaven be so cruel?
I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me

Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins

I'm hoping, I'm praying
I won't get lost between two worlds
For all I have seen the truth lies in between
Give me the strength to face the wrong that I have done
Now that I know the darkest side of me

How can blood be our salvation
And justify the pain that we have caused throughout the times
Will I learn what's truly sacred?
Will I redeem my soul, will truth set me free?

Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins

Why Write?

What drives me to write? It's simple, really: the quest for truth. I want to seek it out, test out what I find, and write about it as I go. My definition of truth itself has even changed. That alone is unsettling to most people, and understandably so, but I find a great sense of peace in the knowledge that I have grown and changed with my findings instead of stubbornly refusing to believe what I saw.

I don't write out of hatred. I don't write out of fear. I may be angry at times, but I do not let the anger control my writing. Rather, I allow it to focus my creative energy and push me to write to the best of my ability.

Much of this blog is about debunking the myths of religion and namely Christianity... but I do not hate Christians or all things Christian. To say that I did would be the furthermost thing from the truth. I do, however, despise the many dark, harmful things that have been perpetrated in the name of Christianity... the centuries of domination, persecution of all things non-Christian, and the pain it has caused so many people despite it's message of love and peace. So, as you read what is written here, know that it was and is driven by a desire for all things to be fairly considered and the truth to be known.

I have undertaken liberty by opening my mind and setting my soul free. I challenge you to do the same. You might be surprised where the journey takes you. I certainly was.